long time, no see

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what a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad blogger i’ve been. i really do want to get things right on this here blog, i swear it. but life gets in the way. and my laziness (a quality that surely never made for a good, and certainly not successful, writer). i know i said this a few months ago, but i am recommitting. i am going to do.this.thang.

let’s start it off with a quote that seems quite applicable lately. i spent last weekend in boston at my oldest and bestest friend joia’s bachelorette party. it was my first party of that ilk; joia is my first close friend to get married. her wedding will take place in just a few short weeks at the decidedly picturesque location of mount holyoke college. she will walk down the aisle looking like a goddess. her skin will glow and her smile will threaten to break her face in half. as a bridesmaid, i’ll be standing up there too, trying not to lose it in front of 150 of her nearest and dearest. note to self: invest in some waterproof mascara.

i want to preface this next bit by saying this: i am beyond happy for joia. when i think about her walking down the aisle and starting a life with the man she loves, my heart swells a little bit.

but.

and this is a big but.

i cannot help but compare my life to hers, and see all that is lacking.

it’s silly, i know. it’s petty, and it’s insecure, and it’s the green monster of jealousy rearing its ugly head. thankfully, i can compartmentalize, and not let my sadness of what i do not have override nor affect my happiness for her.

but i do feel it, the sadness. i compare her life to my life, and i think, why don’t i have that? what am i doing wrong? because i know, deep down, that i am indeed doing something wrong. i see happy couples all around me, not just on the streets and the subways, but in my friends. almost all of my friends are, at this point, in long term relationships, on the cusp of engagement or pretty damn close. and then there’s me, sitting at home on a sunday afternoon, whining on my petty little blog and baking cookies to quell my nerves.

i know that it does me no good to compare my life to joia’s. i know that sometimes she compares her life to mine and feels the same green monster i feel. the grass is always greener, isn’t it? i realize that my knack for comparison is robbing me of the joy i might feel if i could justΒ let it go.

and so i am working on that. but it isΒ work.Β it’s hard, and it hurts, and it requires that i examine myself and all my flaws and that i beat myself up just a little bit.

in the meantime, i’ll busy myself with finding joia the absolute perfect wedding gift. because she deserves nothing less.

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