i resolve…

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to embrace my fears. i’ve been thinking a lot lately about how many things i don’t do not because i think i wouldn’t like them, not because i’m not interested in them, but because i am afraid of them. afraid that i won’t be able to do it. afraid that i won’t be good enough. afraid that people will point and laugh. how many moments have i missed out on in life because i was too afraid to participate? too many. this year, i hope to stare my fears down, acknowledge them and then keep going.

to trust my gut. as much as i often hold myself back because i am afraid, sometimes, i hold myself back for the right reason: because my gut tells me something is not right. and then i beat myself up for holding back, and i say, why didn’t you try that? maybe it was the right thing! you’re missing out. and sometimes, i am. but more often than not, i’ve made the right choice – though maybe not for others – for me.

write more. goodness, i make this resolution every year. here’s hoping this is the year in which i keep it. and here’s hoping this blog will help me do so. i’d also love to take a creative writing course at 92Y in the spring or summer, if my schedule allows. there’s something about knowing you’re on a deadline that helps.

get away. my recent trip to nicaragua was, hands down, one of the best things i could have done for myself. it involved, for starters, embracing my fear of traveling alone, but beyond that, it involved a week of being blissfully disconnected to my life in new york; of sharing and talking and laughing and crying with two of the best women i know (and am privileged to know). in my early twenties, i read a lot of articles about the importance of getting away when you work a stressful job. and now, i know those articles are right. to that end, i’ve got a mid-march 5-day trip down to florida with my mother planned, and i’m in the process of putting a weeklong escape to california on the books for april.

love my body. this is a big one for me. scratch that, the biggest one. it always has been, and, if i’m being honest, probably always will be. but i feel like i’m on the path to acceptance. i had this little epiphany while hiking in nica, sweating my ass off and thinking, wow, my body got me up this GINORMOUS hill. and just for that moment, i felt proud of my body, instead of how i usually feel, which generally involves the words ugly, disgusted, ashamed, and a whole slew of other not-so-pretty things. i truly believe in beauty from the inside out, but it’s always been a struggle for me to feel that way about myself. but i’d like to get there, and i think i’m finally making my way.

forgive myself. i’ve made a lot of mistakes in my past. some were big, some were small. i’ve also been through some pretty intense stuff with my family this past year. stuff that’s made me realize that even the people i put on a pedestal (like my parents) are far from perfect. that everyone has made mistakes. big ones. and little ones, too. and it’s okay. all that we can do is forgive both those around us, and more importantly, ourselves. only when we’ve done so can we move forward, and become better people in doing so.

and there you have it. my plans for this year. bring it on, 2014.

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