i had another post scheduled for today – a recipe for a delicious wild rice salad – but i woke up this morning and felt like i had to get something off my chest. for just about as long as i can remember, i’ve turned to writing to release my feelings. i was the girl that wrote diligently in her diary, who joined deadjournal (wow, throwback) in high school to write down all her emo musings. i’ve always needed an outlet for my feelings (because let’s be real: i have a fuckload of feelings, about pretty much everything, pretty much all the time), and sometimes, it just doesn’t feel right to burden my friends or family with them. so in those situations, i write them down. somehow, getting my thoughts out on paper (or virtual paper, in this case), makes things seem more manageable.
so, here i go again with the confessional style posts – something i haven’t done in quite some time actually.
i’d like to tell you a story. it’s called, “sarah might be single forever, but at least she tried” – lovely, right?
as many of you may recall, i started a new job a few months ago. actually, i suppose it was about 6 months ago, at this point. time flies! this is going to sound disgustingly superficial, but when i got the job, one of the first things i thought to myself was, well, maybe i’ll meet someone at my new job. there were absolutely zero eligible bachelors at my last job, and while i adored my coworkers, i wasn’t about to be baby-makin’ with any of them. now, before you go on and tell me that i shouldn’t be going into a job looking for a boyfriend (i know, thanks), let me explain.
it is really hard to meet people in new york. or at least, it is for an introvert like me. see, i “do” lots of things here in our fine city. i work. i volunteer. i exercise at studios, where, presumably, one might meet someone. and yet, i rarely do. meet people, that is. sure, i make friends, because i’m a girl’s girl through and through. but even that scares me (making new girl friends). try and put me in a situation where i’m supposed to meet a guy, and i clam up. i’m either awkward and aloof (not on purpose), or i try too hard. i can’t seem to straddle the line of the happy medium.
add to that a stint on just about every dating site there is (all of which have been beyond depressing, who wants to ONLINE SHOP FOR A BOYFRIEND? NO THANKS.), and i feel like i’ve tried it all. tell me: if a girl no longer enjoys pounding cranberry vodkas on friday and saturday nights, and she spends a good 9 hours a day in an office 5 days a week, where oh where is she supposed to meet someone? let’s say she’s already exhausted her friend circles, and she’s given up on stupid dating fads like tinder and okcupid.
i’ll tell you where. at her office. because it’s the place where she spends over 50% of her time each week, if not more.
that’s right, folks. i spend more time with my coworkers than i do with just about anyone else. it’s a good thing i like them.
so anyway, i went into this new job thinking that maybe, just maybe, there would be someone special here for me. and then, surprise of all surprises, i sort of thought i’d found him.
about a month into my new job, i realized i had a crush. one of those stupid, middle school style, blush when he’s around crushes. and for a little while, i had a sense that maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t a one-sided thing. that maybe i was about to get lucky. that maybe soon he’d be standing in my kitchen eating homemade cookie dough off a spatula with me late on a tuesday night.
and i let myself, stupidly, get excited. i let myself go all crazy in my head, and imagine all the things that could be. i started over-interpreting simple actions like a crazy person, because remember what i said about having SO MANY FEELINGS?! i got totally ahead of myself, and read into things that didn’t deserve reading into. and maybe a few things that did.
but either way, the end result was that i learned that i’d read wrong, and that my crush was totally, unequivocally, unrequited. and somehow, i feel like i kind of got my heart broken, even though i know that for all intents and purposes, that’s not at all what happened here. what happened here is that i let myself get my hopes up, and i dove in headfirst because i don’t know how to do things any other way, and then i got disappointed by something that should have been obvious in the first place.
and now, i just feel sad. like i wasted a few months on something that was never there, that was only in my head, and like i might just be single forever if i can’t learn to figure this shit out. last week, i had two girlfriends over for dinner, and i talked to them about my quandary, and i started going into this headspace where it was all, “and then i did this wrong, and then i assumed that incorrectly, and it’s clearly all in my head, and i should have never let it get to this point.”
and my friend kara turned to me and said, “no, that’s BULLSHIT. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG.”
and as hard as it was to believe, there was this tiny little spark in the bottom of my heart that said, “you know what? she’s right. all i did was believe myself and believe in someone else and hope a little bit. all i did was put myself out there.”
and while i do feel sad, i also feel like i need to not beat myself up over this. it’s not good for my heart to be thinking about all the reasons it didn’t work, all the reasons it was in my head, all the reasons he wouldn’t have wanted me. because that’s just going to make me feel like shit, plain and simple. and while it was me, obviously, it wasn’t really about me, you know?
so, here i go again, back out into the world, to try and feel my way into something that’s right. i feel like i could use a little white snake behind me, no?